Wacky political ideologies are taking over the Internet

Drew Mattson - Senior | Features

In these uncertain times, it is important we stay grounded. With both sides claiming this or that, it can be difficult to figure out what’s really going on.

Did Trump really incite a riot at the Capitol? Will Biden be an emblematic leader? Do those days we got out for COVID testing count as snow days? Every question has an answer, and every community has an odd, yet devoted fandom. Welcome to the world of wacky political ideologies.

We all have that one uncle who mutters under his breath whenever taxes are raised, “Those durn liberals are ruining this country.” We all have that one aunt, who upon seeing Trump saying something controversial, rushes to Facebook to rapidly type, “When will conservatives realize that Trump is literally a Nazi?!?!” But what do these terms mean? What exactly is a liberal, or conservative, or Nazi?

A liberal is usually someone who believes in equality, welfare, and tolerance. A conservative is usually someone who believes in tradition, independence, and free speech. A Nazi is a member of the National Socialist German Workers’ Party. But the political labels don’t end there.

If you’ve spent some time in the Internet’s political spheres, you may have heard some other words, such as Libleft, Authright, or Centrist. And believe me, at this point, we’re just scratching the surface.

Recently, Internet culture and politics have collided to showcase more obscure political affiliations. The easiest way to dissect these strange ideas is with my friend, the political compass.

The political compass is a square divided into four quadrants -- each represents a certain ideal. The two axes measure both economic beliefs and authoritarian beliefs. The farther along you are on an axis, the more radical your beliefs are. This is the home of the wacky political ideologies. Let’s start with a classic: Libertarian Monarchism.

A Libertarian Monarchist essentially believes that a libertarian (free) society should be ruled by a king or queen (not free). While seemingly contradictory, Libertarian Monarchism is a perfectly acceptable political ideology that can only be discussed on a vacant internet forum at 2 a.m. While ideologies like Libertarian Monarchism are simply contradictory, some are purely humorous. Enter Horseshoe Centrism.

Horseshoe Centrism is the belief that the more radical an ideology is, the more similar it is to another completely different radical ideology. This is that one annoying friend who refuses to pick a side in politics, and says, “Well, both sides are pretty bad so they look identical to me. I see no difference between a Nazi and Commie.” What a silly political belief! On to Accelerationism.

Accelerationism is the only ideology that matters. See, we can all agree things aren’t looking too hot right now, right? So, we need to start over, restart this nation. And how is that accomplished, you may ask? We burn it all down. If we let this country try to improve itself, we’ll never be able to start anew. I say, we should’ve let those Capitol rioters really get in there and rustle up some feathers. It will be better in the long run. Probably.

Congratulations, you’ve been enlightened! No longer will you be the odd one out in wacky political ideology based discussions! Take your knowledge and spread it to the world: your dad, your dog, or even your centrist neighbor. Just remember to stay safe, and stay wacky.