December Horoscopes

Julia Alley - Sophomore | Columns

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): As Jupiter and Saturn approach Aquarius, you will be overwhelmed with new energy. As long as you make sure that you do not come in contact with any Australians before Christmas, you will be safe.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Neptune continues to stay in Pisces throughout the next season. The stars will not affect you whatsoever this season. Why are you still reading this? Just go home.

Aries (Mar. 21- Apr. 19): Be very careful as you go home for the holidays -- someone’s gift for you has been given with evil intent. Any person who has gifted you a pineapple this Christmas is a toxic energy source in your life and it would be in your best interest to leave that relationship.

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): As Uranus stays in Taurus, you have one important job this season; stop pronouncing caramel wrong. Just stop it, whatever way you're pronouncing it -- it's wrong. That one friend that always argues about the way you say caramel is right. I know it's hard, but you need to accept it.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun. 20): It's midterm week, you really should be studying. Like honestly, you’ve got much more to do right now than reading a horoscope written by a high schooler.

Cancer (Jun. 21- Jul. 22): It is urgent that you avoid hopscotch at all costs before the New Year. As there are no planets currently in Cancer, this is a critical task. Your best choice if coming in contact with a game of hopscotch is to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.

Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22): Your financial situation could be improved drastically if you cut down on your coffee intake. Your current caffeine intake is not only financially damaging but it's honestly physically hurting your health at this point.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sep. 22): While Virgos are typically not the clumsiest sign, be expecting to trip sometime soon. It won’t be anything life threatening, however I would look out for any suspicious looking rocks if I were you.

Libra (Sep. 23 - Oct. 22): While your holidays will be majorly uneventful this year, be on a look out for those small Christmas trees that are often used as room decorations. Keep count of how many you see between now in New Years. The number actually doesn't matter, but now you won't be able to forget how many you see until 2021.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): As Venus leaves Scorpio, you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. With this extra relief, go out and buy your Aries friend a pineapple. Don’t worry -- it's all for the best.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): As Sagittarius season comes to a close and Mercury leaves your sign, you may find yourself a little disappointed with the miniscule amount of attention you are receiving. Do not, whatever you do, attempt to set a tree on fire. A little game of hopscotch outdoors is a much better option.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): As Capricorn season starts and Pluto, Jupiter, Saturn, and Mercury are all in Capricorn, you may have the urge to try a British accent. Don’t. It's not going to cause life threatening problems, it's just really bad.